英語小笑話作文大全

A. 英語小笑話，越短越好，帶翻譯

1、Goldfish金魚
Stan: I won 92 goldfish.
Fred: Where are you going to keep them?
Stan: In the bathroom 。
Fred: But what will you do when you want to take a bath?
Stan: Blindfold（蒙眼睛）them!
斯丹：我贏了 92 條金魚。
弗雷德：你想在哪兒養它們？
斯丹：浴室。
弗雷德：但是你想洗澡時怎麼辦？
斯丹：蒙住它們的眼睛！
2、 The Revenge 欺騙的代價
Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With alow voice he said to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmerJones." Wife: "No, I can't marry anyone after you." Johnson:"But I want you to." Wife: "But why?" Johnson: "Jonesonce cheated me in a horse deal!"
老農約翰遜就要死了。他的家人都站在床邊。他聲音低沉地對妻子說：「我死後，我想你嫁給農夫瓊斯。」 妻子說：「不，在你死後，我不能嫁給任何人。」 約翰遜：「但我希望你這么做。」 妻子：「為什麼？」 約翰遜：「因為瓊斯曾在一筆販馬的交易中欺騙了我。」
3、I think that I'm a chicken 我想我是一隻雞
Psychiatrist: What's your problem?
Patient: I think I'm a chicken.
Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?
Patient: Ever since I was an egg!
精神病醫師：你哪裡不舒服？
病人：我認為我是一隻雞。
精神病醫師：這種情況從什麼時候開始的？
病人：從我還是一隻蛋的時候開始。

4、How do I get the gum out我怎麼把口香糖取出來
Distributing chewing gum to the passengers, the stewardess explained it was to keeptheir ears from popping. When the plane landed, one of the passengers rushed upto her and said, "I'm meeting my wife right away. How do I get the gum outfrom my ears?"
當空中小姐給乘客們發口香糖的時候，她解釋說口香糖有助於他們防止耳鳴。飛機著陸後，一位乘客跑到這位空中小姐面前，說道：「 我馬上就要見到我妻子了。我怎麼才能把口香糖從耳朵裡面取出來呢？」
5、 Where Am I 我在哪兒
An Englishman lost his way while he was driving in the countryside. He saw afarmer working in the field nearby, so he went nearer in his car and asked the farmer,"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" "Yes, " the farmerlooked at him strangely and said, "you are in your car, sir."
一個英國人在鄉下開車時迷了路，他看見一個農民正在附近的地里幹活。於是他就把車開過去問那位農民：「勞駕，您能告訴我我現在這是在哪兒嗎？」 「可以。」農夫奇怪地看了看他，然後說道：「你現在在你的車子里，先生。」
6、Chiefis at the wedding 長官在婚禮上
A police stopped a motorist who was speeding on the street.
"But officer," the man said, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer."I'm going to put you injail until the chief gets back."
"But ,officer, I …."
"I said to keep quiet! You are going to jail!"
A few hours later, the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Youare lucky because the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a goodmood when he gets back."
"Are you sure?" answered the man in the cell. "I'm thegroom."

大街上的一個超速駕駛者被警察攔住了。「但是警官」這個人說道，「我可以解釋的」。「保持安靜」，警察突然說道。「我將把你送往監獄，直到長官回來。「但是，警察，我，，，」。「我說過了保持安靜，你要到監獄了。」幾小時後，警察向監獄里看了看說道「算你運氣好，因為我們的長官正在他女兒的婚禮上。他將帶著一個愉快的心情回來的。」 「你確定」在牢房裡的這個人說道。「我就是新郎呀」。
7、Who Is the Laziest 誰最懶
Father: Well, Tom, I asked to your teacher today, and now I want to ask you aquestion. Who is the laziest person in your class?
Tom: I don't know, father.
Father: Oh, yes, you do! Think! When other boys and girls are doing andwriting, who sits in the class and only watches how other people work?
Tom: Our teacher, father.
父親：哎，湯姆，今天我跟你們老師談過，現在我想問你個問題。你們班上誰最懶？湯姆：我不知道，爸爸。父親：啊，不對，你知道！想想看，當別的孩子們都在做作業、寫字時，誰在課堂上坐著，只是看人家做功課？湯姆：我們老師，爸爸。
8、TwoBirds 兩只鳥
Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now whocan tell us which is which?
Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.
Teacher: Please tell us.
Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside theswallow.
老師： 這兒有兩只鳥，一隻是麻雀。誰能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀嗎？學生：我指不出，但我知道答案。老師：請說說看。學生：燕子旁邊的就是麻雀，麻雀旁邊的就是燕子。

B. 英語小笑話

1、A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.

一天，教授正在給學生們監考。他發下試卷，然後回到講台前等待。

考試結束了，學生們紛紛交回試卷。教授發現一張試卷上別著一張百元鈔票，還有一張紙條寫著：「一分一塊錢。」

第二堂課，教授把試卷都發回學生們手中。其中一個學生不但得到了試卷還得到64塊錢的找零。

2、George comes from school on the first of September.

"George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother.

"I didn't like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too..."

9月1日， 喬治放學回到家裡。

「喬治，你喜歡你們的新老師嗎？」 媽媽問。

「媽媽，我不喜歡，因為她說3加3得6, 可後來又說2加4也得6。」

3、Kate: Mom, do you know what I'm going to give you for your birthday?

Mom: No, Honey, what?

Kate: A nice teapot.

Mom: But I've got a nice teapot.

Kate: No, you haven't. I've just dropped it.

凱特：媽媽，你知道我要給你一件什麼生日禮物嗎?

媽媽：不知道，寶貝，是什麼呀?

凱特：一把漂亮的茶壺。

媽媽：可是我已經有一把漂亮的茶壺了呀。

凱特：不，你沒有了。我剛剛把它給摔了。

4、Guest: "Why does your dog sit there and watch me eat?"

Hotel Host: "I can't imagine, unless it's because you have the plate he usually eats from."

客人：「為什麼你的狗狗坐在那兒老是看著我吃東西呢?」

旅館主人：「我不敢想像，除非是因為你拿了它經常用來吃東西的盤子了。」

5、Dentist: Please stop howling. I haven't even touched your tooth yet.

Patient: I know. But you are standing on my foot!

牙醫：請不要再叫了，我都還沒有挨著你的牙齒啊!

病人：但是，親，你可知道，你踩到我腳了!!!

6、A father of five came home with a toy, summoned his children and asked which one of them should be given the present, 「Who is the most obedient, never talks back to

mother and does everything he or she is told?」 he inquired. There was silence and then a chorus of voices: 「You play with it, Daddy!」

一個有五個孩子的父親帶著一件玩具回到家裡，把孩子們召集來問這件禮物應該給誰。「誰最聽話，從不和媽媽頂嘴，讓干什麼就干什麼?」他問道。大家都不吭聲。過了一會兒，孩子們異口同聲地說：「爸爸，您玩兒吧。」

拓展資料

第一則

Teacher:Why are you late for school every morning?

Tom:Every time I come to the corner,a sign says,"School-Go slow".

第二則

Teacher: Can you make a sentence with the word "egg"?

Student: Yes. I ate a piece of cake yesterday.

Teacher: Then where is the "egg"?

Student: In the cake, Sir.

第三則

George comes from school on the first of September.

George, how did you like your new teacher? asked his mother.

I didn't like her, Mother, because she said that three and three weresix and then she said that two and four were six too.....

C. 簡單的英語小笑話(帶翻譯）

1、Boy: Is this seat empty? Girl: Yes and this one will be if you sit down. 男孩：這個座位是空的么？ 女孩：是的，如果你坐下，我的座位也將是空的。  

2、Boy: Can I buy you a drink? Girl: Actually I'd rather have the money. 男孩：我可以給你買杯飲料嗎？ 女孩：你不如直接把錢給我得了。 

3、My little dog can't read Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog! Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!  Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read. 

我的狗不識字。布朗夫人：哦， 親愛的，我把珍愛的小狗給丟了！ 史密斯夫人：可是你該在報紙上登廣告啊！ 布朗夫人：沒有用的，我的小狗不認識字。」

4、My Wife Will Exchange Them。A gentleman walks into a store and asked for a pair of gloves.   ″Cloth or leather﹖″ asked the salesperson.  ″Makes no difference ″replied customer.   ″What color﹖″ asked the clerk.  ″Any″ he responded. 

″Size﹖″ ″Give me whatever you prefer″ the gentleman said slightly exasperated. ″My wife will be back tomorrow to exchange them.″ 

反正我太太明天會來換的。一位先生走進一家商店要買副手套。 「您是要布的還是皮的？」售貨員問。 「沒什麼區別。」這位顧客回答。 「那您要什麼顏色的呢？」售貨員又問。「什麼顏色都成。」他回答。 「號碼呢？」 「您就隨便給我拿一副吧，」這位顧客有點不耐煩了，「反正我太太明天都會來換的。」 

5、A  physics Examination，Once in a physics examination, Nick finished the first question very soon, while his classmates were thinking it hard.  The question was: When it thunders why do we see the lighting first, then hear the thunder rolls?   

Nick『s answer: Because  our eyes are before ears.   

一次物理考試。在一次物理考試時，當同學們都還在苦思冥想時，尼克很快就答好了第一個問題。這個問題是：為什麼在打雷時，我們總是先看到閃電後聽到雷聲？尼克的回答是：因為眼睛在前，耳朵在後。  

6、Jim』s History Examination。Uncle: How did Jim do in his history examination?Mother: Oh, not at all well, but there, it wasn't his fault. They asked him  things that happened before the poor boy was born.   

吉姆的歷史考試。舅舅：吉姆這孩子歷史考得怎麼樣？母親：唉，糟透了。可話又說回來，這也不能怪他。嗨，他們盡問一些這個可憐的孩子出生前的事兒。 

7、he is really somebody。-- My uncle has 1000 men under him. -- He is really somebody. What does he do?-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.   

他真是一個大人物。-- 我叔叔下面有1000個人。-- 他真是一個大人物。干什麼的？-- 墓地守墓人。

(3)英語小笑話作文大全擴展閱讀：

笑話具有篇幅短小，故事情節簡單而巧妙，往往出人意料，給人突然之間笑神來了的奇妙感覺的特點。大多揭示生活中乖謬的現象，具有諷刺性和娛樂性。其趣味有高下之分。

人類歷史上，人自從有了語言，就已經出現了開玩笑的語言，最早，人們以口相傳，後來有了文字，許多笑話便被記載下來，編書成冊。但還有很多笑話，是流傳於民間的，就當今社會，每天都有很多笑話出現，有心人如果收集，我想將來一定會有價值。

同時豐富了笑話的寶庫。隨著近十年網路和手機的飛速發展，隨之出現了網路笑話，網路流行語，給力大全，手機笑話，雷人語句，笑料聯盟等，促使笑話發展到一個新的階段。

D. 英語小笑話(帶翻譯)

Good Boy

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."

好孩子

小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。
「昨天給你的錢干什麼了？」
「我給了一個可憐的老太婆，」他回答說。 「你真是個好孩子，」媽媽驕傲地說。「再給你兩分錢。可你為什麼對那位老太太那麼感興趣呢？」
「她是個賣糖果的。」

希望能幫到你，謝謝啦

E. 求5篇簡單的英語小短文、或者小笑話

He Won

Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.
Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?
Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.

他贏了
湯姆：約翰尼，你小弟弟好嗎？
約翰尼：他害病卧床了。他受了傷。
湯姆：真糟糕，怎麼回事兒？
約翰尼：我們做游戲，看誰能把身子探出窗外最遠，他贏了。

I Have His Ear in My Pocket

Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"
"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.
"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.
"I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."

他的耳朵在我衣兜里

伊凡鼻子流著血回到家裡。他媽媽問，「發生了什麼事？」
「一個男孩咬了我一口，」伊凡說。
「再見到他你能認出來嗎？」媽媽問。
「他走到哪裡我都能認出他，」伊凡說。「他的耳朵還在我衣兜里呢。」

A Good Boy

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."

好孩子

小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。
「昨天給你的錢干什麼了？」
「我給了一個可憐的老太婆，」他回答說。 「你真是個好孩子，」媽媽驕傲地說。「再給你兩分錢。可你為什麼對那位老太太那麼感興趣呢？」
「她是個賣糖果的。」

Drunk

One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."
"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"

醉酒

一天，父親與小兒子一道回家。這個孩子正處於那種對什麼事都很感興趣的年齡，老是有提不完的問題。他向父親發問道：「爸爸，『醉』字是什麼意思？」 「唔，孩子，」父親回答說，「你瞧那兒站著兩個警察。如果我把他們看成了四個，那麼我就算醉了。」 「可是，爸爸， 」孩子說，「那兒只有一個警察呀！」

Hospitality

The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.

好客

由於客人在吃蘋果餡餅時，家裡沒有乳酪了，於是女主人向大家表示歉意。這家的小男孩悄悄地離開了屋子。過了一會兒，他拿著一片乳酪回到房間，把乳酪放在客人的盤子里。 客人微笑著把乳酪放進嘴裡說：「孩子，你的眼睛就是比你媽媽的好。你在哪裡找到的乳酪？」 「在捕鼠夾上，先生。」那小男孩說。

英語小笑話
上個星期五我穿了一件 Adidas 的衣服去打球, 一個老美看到就笑我說, "Do you
know what does it mean? It means All Day I Dream About Sex.我整天都在想著
性, 縮寫正好是 Adidas) " 我正驚訝他怎麼反應這么快, 聯想力這么豐富時,旁邊的
一個老美幫我解圍, 他說, 有一個很著名的合唱團 Korn, 他們的招牌歌之一就是
A.D.I.D.A.S, (All day I dream about sex)所以呢,這個典故可是很多老美都耳熟
能詳的喔! 下次就換你去取笑老美了.

F. 英語小笑話帶翻譯

1.One day a visitor from the city came to a smallrural area to drive around the country roads, see how the farms looked, andperhaps to see how farmers earned their living. The city man saw a farmer inhis yard, holding a pig up in his hands, and lifting it so that the pig couldeat apples from an apple tree. The city man said to the farmer," I seethat your pig likes apples, but isn"t that quite a waste of time?"The farmer replied," What"s time to a pig?"
一天，有一個城市裡的遊客來到一個小鄉村，在鄉間路上開著車，想看看農庄是什麼樣子，也想看看農夫怎樣種田過日子。這位城裡人看見一位農夫在宅後的草地上，手中抱著一頭豬，並把它舉得高高的，好讓它能夠吃到樹上的蘋果。城裡人對農夫說，"我看你的豬挺喜歡吃蘋果的，但是，這不是很浪費時間嗎?"那位農夫回答說，"時間對豬有什麼意義?"

2.The Looney Bin
Late one night atthe insane asylum (瘋人院）one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!」Another one said, "How do you know?"
The first inmatesaid, "God told me!"
Just then, a voicefrom another room shouted, "I did not!"
瘋人院
一天晚上，在瘋人院里，一個病人說：「我是拿破崙！」另一個說：「你怎麼知道？」第一個人說：「上帝對我說的！」一會兒，一個聲音從另一個房間傳來：「我沒說！」

3.Boxing and Running
Dan is teaching his son how to box. As he does so, heleft his friend, "This is a tough world, so I』m teaching my boy tofight."
Friend: "But suppose he comes up against someonemuch bigger than he is, who』s also been taught how to box."
Dan: "I』m teaching him how to run, too."
拳擊和賽跑
丹在教他的兒子怎樣拳擊。他告訴他的朋友：「這是一個粗暴的世界，所以我要教我的兒子怎麼去拼搏。」
朋友：「如果他碰上的對手是一個比他高大，健壯而且也會拳擊的人怎麼辦？」
丹：「我也會教他怎麼樣賽跑呢。」

4.The warden of the prison felt sorry for one of hisinmates because every weekend on Visitor』s Day, most of the prisoners hadfamily members and friends coming, but poor George always sat alone in hiscell.
So one Visitor』s Day, the warden called George to hisoffice and said, "I notice you』ve never had any visitors, George."Sympathetic, he put his hand on George』s shoulder. "Tell me, don』t youhave any friends or family?"
George replied, "Oh, sure I do, Warden. It』s justthat they』re all in here!"

典獄長對獄中一位囚犯深感同情，因為每逢周末的探訪日，大多數囚犯都有家人或朋友來訪，但是可憐的喬治總是孤伶伶地坐在自己的囚室中。
因此在一個探訪日，典獄長把喬治叫到辦公室說：「喬治，我注意到從來沒有人來探望過你。」他滿懷同情地把手放在喬治的肩膀上：「告訴我，你沒有任何朋友或家人嗎？」
喬治回答：「喔！當然有，典獄長，只不過他們全都在這裡面！」

5.Policeman: Why didn't you shout for help when youwere robbed of your watch?
Man: If I had opened my mouth, they'd have found myfour gold teeth. That would be much worse.
警察：有人搶你的手錶時，你為什麼不呼救呢？
男子：要是我張口的話，他們就會發現我的四顆金牙。那就更糟了。

6.A shoplifter（商店扒手）51kxh.cn |wascaught red-handed trying to steal a watch from a jewelry store."Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want anytrouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget aboutthis?"
The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. Thecrook（騙子，壞蛋） looked at the slip and said, "This isa little more than I intended to spend."
一個小偷在一家珠寶店企圖偷走一隻手錶的時候被當場擒獲。「聽著，」小偷說，「我知道你們也不想惹麻煩。我把這只表買下，然後我們就當什麼也沒發生，你看怎樣？」
經理表示同意，然後列了一張售貨單。小偷看著單子說道：「這比我最初的預算稍稍高了一點，你們還有沒有便宜一點兒東西。"

7.The little girl did not like the look of the barkingdog.
"It's all right," said a gentleman,"don't be afraid. Don't you know the proverb: Barking dogs don'tbite?"
"Ah, yes," answered the little girl. "Iknow the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too?"
一個小女孩非常不喜歡狗狂叫的樣子。
「沒有關系，」一位先生說，「不用害怕，你知道這條諺語嗎：『吠狗不咬人。』」
「啊，我是知道，可是狗也知道嗎？」

8.Class and AssProfessor Laurie of Glasgow put thisnotice on his door：「Professor Laurie will not meet his classestoday．」 A student，after reading thenotice，rubbed out the「c」． Later Professor Laurie came along，and entering into the spirit of the joke，rubbed out the「l」．
格拉斯哥的勞里教授在門上貼了這樣一個通知：「勞里教授今天不會他的班。」一個學生讀了通知後，擦掉了字母「c」。後來勞里教授來了，也想開開玩笑，他擦掉了字母「l」。

9.The six-year-old John was terribly spoiled（被寵壞的） . His father knew it, but his grandma doted on him.He hardly left her side. And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threwa temper tantrum（亂發脾氣） . Then came his first day of school, hisfirst day away from his grandmother's loving arms.
When he came home from school his grandma met him atthe door.
Was school all right? she asked, Did you get along allright? did you cry? 51kxh.cn
Cry? John asked. No, I didn't cry, but the teacherdid!
六歲的約翰嬌生慣養。他的父親知道這一點，可他的祖父母仍然寵著他。這孩子幾乎寸步不離他的祖母。他想要什麼不是哭，就是鬧。他第一天上學才離開祖母的懷抱。
約翰放學了，他奶奶在門口接他並問道：學校怎麼樣？你過的好嗎？哭了沒有？
哭？約翰問，不，我沒哭，可老師哭了。

G. 英語小笑話大全

1)TOM'S EXCUSE
Teacher: Tom, why are you late for school every day?
Tom: Every time I come to the corner, a sign says, "School-Go
Slow".
湯姆的借口
老師：湯姆，您為什麼每天上學遲到？
湯姆：我每次路過拐角，一個路標上面寫著："學校----慢行。"
DID YOUR DAD...
2)Tom call Jim's name:"I can't bear such a foolish!"
and Jim say:"You mother could (bear)!"
湯姆對著吉姆罵道:"我受不了你這個苯蛋了!"
吉姆說:"你媽媽能!"
附:bear 有兩重意思:"生"和"忍受"這個笑話正是根據這點.
3)A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"
一男子進入教堂和上帝對話.他問:"主啊, 一百萬美元對你意味著多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又問:"那一百萬年呢?"上帝說:"一秒鍾."最後男子請求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士嗎?"上帝回答:"過一秒鍾."
4)Mother sent Tommy to the store across the street to buy a good box of matches.When Tommy came back,mother asked him,」Did you buy a good box of matches?」
「Yes,Mum.」Tommy replied,」I have tried them all.」
一盒小火柴
媽媽讓湯米去馬路對面的商店裡買一盒好用的火柴。湯米回來後，媽媽問他，「你買的是好用的火柴嗎？」
「是的，媽媽。」湯米回答，「我把它們都試過了。」
5)Father:Uh,oh,I think I just made an illegal right-hand turn.
Susie:That is okay ,dad,the policeman behind you just did the same thing!
開車
父親：哎呀，我剛才違規右轉彎了。
蘇西：沒事，爸，跟在你後面的警察也這么轉了。
5)Little Robert asked his mother for tow cents.」What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?」
「I gave it to a poor old woman,」he answered.
「You』er a good boy,」said the mother proudly.」Here are tow cents more.But why are you so interested in the old woman?」
「She is the one who sells the candy.」
好孩子
小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。
「昨天給你的錢干什麼了？」
「我給了一個可憐的老太婆。」他回答說。「你真是一個好孩子，」媽媽驕傲地說. 「再給你兩分錢。可你為什麼對那位老太太那麼感興趣呢？」
「她是個賣糖果的。」
7)Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked,」What happened?」
「A kid bit me,」replied Ivan.
「Would you recognize him if you sew him again?」asked his mother.
「I』d know him any where,」said Ivan.」I have his ear in my pocket.」
他的耳朵在我的衣兜里
伊凡鼻子流著血回到家裡。他媽媽問，「發生了什麼事？」
「一個男孩咬了我一口。」伊凡說。
「再見到他你能認出來嗎？」媽媽問。
「他走到哪裡我都能認出他，」伊凡說，「他的耳朵還在我的衣兜里。」
8)Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?
Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.
Teacher: Please tell us.
Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.
兩只鳥
老師： 這兒有兩只鳥，一隻是麻雀。誰能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀嗎？
學生：我指不出，但我知道答案。
老師：請說說看。
學生：燕子旁邊的就是麻雀，麻雀旁邊的就是燕子。

H. 英語幽默笑話大全

The mean man's party

The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."

"Why use my elbow and foot?"

"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?吝嗇鬼請客

一個出了名的吝嗇鬼終於決定要請一次客了。他在向一個朋友解釋怎麼找到他家時說：「你上到五樓，找中間那個門，然後用你的胳膊肘按門鈴。門開了之後，再用你的腳把門推開。」

「為什麼要用我的肘和腳呢？」

「你的雙手得拿禮物啊。天哪，你總不會空著手來吧？」吝嗇鬼回答。

I think that I'm a chicken

Psychiatrist: What's your problem?

Patient: I think I'm a chicken.

Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?

Patient: Ever since I was an egg!

精神病醫師：你哪裡不舒服？

病人：我認為我是一隻雞。

精神病醫師：這種情況從什麼時候開始的？

病人：從我還是一隻蛋的時候開始。

Who Is the Laziest?

Father: Well, Tom, I asked to your teacher today, and now I want to ask you a question. Who is the laziest person in your class?

Tom: I don't know, father.

Father: Oh, yes, you do! Think! When other boys and girls are doing and writing, who sits in the class and only watches how other people work?

Tom: Our teacher, father.

中文：

父親：哎，湯姆，今天我跟你們老師談過，現在我想問你個問題。你們班上誰最懶？
湯姆：我不知道，爸爸。
父親：啊，不對，你知道！想想看，當別的孩子們都在做作業、寫字時，誰在課堂上坐著，只是看人家做功課？
湯姆：我們老師，爸爸。

Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he said to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."

Wife: "No, I can't marry anyone after you."

Johnson: "But I want you to."

Wife: "But why?"

Johnson: "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"

譯文：

老農約翰遜就要死了。他的家人都站在床邊。他聲音低沉地對妻子說：「我死後，我想你嫁給農夫瓊斯。」

妻子說：「不，在你死後，我不能嫁給任何人。」

約翰遜：「但我希望你這么做。」

妻子：「為什麼？」

約翰遜：「因為瓊斯曾在一筆販馬的交易中欺騙了我。」

I. 英語小短文100字笑話簡單的

英語笑話（一）
Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea?
A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.
猴子會和跳蚤有什麼不同呢?你可能會直接的想到它們倆是一大一小.但除此之外呢,那就是猴子身上可以長跳蚤,而跳蚤身上卻不能有猴子.這個答案很有意思吧?
Q: How can you most irritate a farmer?
A: By treading on his corn?
如果你踩了農夫的玉米或是穀物,他肯定會生氣的；而如果你踩了農夫腳底的雞眼,他會更生氣.Corn既可以表示「玉米/穀物」,也有「雞眼」的意思.
Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world?
A: The snail. It carries its house on its back.
因為snail（蝸牛）的後背上總是背著一所房子,所以說蝸牛是世界上最強壯的生物是不足為奇的.你說呢?
Q: What do people do in a clock factory?
A: They make faces all day.
一看到make faces這個短語,你可千萬別以為是在鍾表廠工作的人整天都做鬼臉呀!因為除了這個意思以外,它還可以從字面上解釋為製造鍾面.
Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep?
A: Keep him awake.
怎樣才能不讓夢游者（sleepwalker）夢游（walk in his sleep）呢?最簡單的方法就是不讓他睡覺.雖然這不是治療方法,但如果讓夢游者醒著呢,他的確就不會去夢遊了.
英語笑話（二）
He is really somebody
-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.
-- He is really somebody. What does he do?
-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.
他真是一個大人物
-- 我叔叔下面有1000個人.
-- 他真是一個大人物.干什麼的?
-- 墓地守墓人.
英語笑話（三）
Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.
At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."
它們是從美國直接帶來的
一位中國老婦人在美國看望女兒回來不久,到一家市銀行存女兒送給她的美元.在銀行櫃台,銀行職員認真檢查了每一張鈔票,看是否有假.
這種做法讓老婦人很不耐煩,最後實在忍耐不住說：「相信我,先生,也請你相信這些鈔票.這都是真正的美元,它們是從美國直接帶來的.」
英語笑話（四）my little dog can't read
Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!
Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!
Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.