Ⅰ 英語作文幽默
Life Needs Humor
When we are chatting with our friends happily, suddenly if we are talking about the awkward topic, we need to do something to change this situation, what are we gonna do? The answer is using your humor to make things seem easy, and then your friends won』 take your awkward topic seriously. Humor is very important, it can adjust the atmosphere, making things work easily. Life needs humor, without humor, life would be boring. Foreign people like to make friends with humorous people, they can feel relax when they are chatting, while most Chinese people are always taking things too seriously. I like to make friends with humorous guys, they make me feel life is easy, and we should positive about life.
Ⅱ 英語幽默搞笑短文
First Flight
Mr. Johnson had never been up in an aerophane before and he had read a lot about air accidents, so one day when a friend offered to take him for a ride in his own small phane, Mr. Johnson was very worried about accepting. Finally, however, his friend persuaded him that it was very safe, and Mr. Johnson boarded the plane.
His friend started the engine and began to taxi onto the runway of the airport. Mr. Johnson had heard that the most dangerous part of a flight were the take-off and the landing, so he was extremely frightened and closed his eyes.
After a minute or two he opened them again, looked out of the window of the plane, and said to his friend, "Look at those people down there. They look as small as ants, don't they?"
"Those are ants," answered his friend. "We're still on the ground."
第一次坐飛機
約翰遜先生從前未乘過飛機，他讀過許多關於飛行事故的報道。所以，有一天一位朋友邀請他乘自己的小飛機飛行時，約翰遜先生非常擔心，不敢接受。不過，由於朋友不斷保證說飛行是很安全的，約翰遜先生終於被說服了，登上了飛機。
他的朋友啟動引擎開始在機場跑道上滑行。約翰遜先生聽說飛行中最危險的是起飛與降落，所以他嚇得緊閉雙眼。
過了一兩分鍾，他睜開雙眼朝窗外望去，接著對朋友說道：「看下面那些人，他們看起來就象螞蟻一樣小，是不是？」
「那些就是螞蟻，」他的朋友答道，「我們還在地面上。」
A Nail Or A Fly?
An old gentleman whose eyesight was failing came to stay in a hotel room with a bottle of wine in each hand. On the wall there was a fly which he took for a nail. So the moment he hung them on, the bottles fell broken and the wine spilt all over the floor. When a waitress discovered what had happened, she showed deep sympathy for him and decided to do him a favour.
So the next morning when he was out taking a walk in the roof garden, she hammered a nail exactly where the fly had stayed.
Now the old man entered his room. The smell of the spilt wine reminded him of the accident. When he looked up at the wall, he found the fly was there again! He walked to it carefully adn slapped it with all his strength. On hearing a loud cry, the kind-hearted waitress rushed in. To her great surprise, the poor old man was there sitting on the floor, his teeth clenched and his right hand bleeding!
釘子還是蒼蠅？
一位視力正在衰退的老紳士住進了一家旅館的客房。他雙手各拿一瓶酒。在牆上有隻蒼蠅，他誤以為是枚釘子。他把兩只瓶子朝上一掛，瓶子掉下來摔碎了，酒灑了一地。一個女服務員發現發生的事情以後，對他深表同情，決定幫他個忙。
於是，第二天早上他到樓頂花園散步時，她把一枚釘子釘在了蒼蠅停過的地方。
這里，老人回到了房裡。倒灑的酒味讓他想起了那件事。他抬頭往牆上一看，蒼蠅又停在了那兒!他輕手輕腳地走近，使盡全力拍了一掌。聽到一聲大叫，好心的女服務員沖進房來。讓她大為吃驚的是，可憐的老頭正坐在地板上，牙關緊咬，右手滴血不止。
Chaude and Cold
A patron in Montreal cafe turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded. "This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked C gave me boiling water."
"But, Monsieur, C stands for chaude - French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."
"Wait a minute," roared the patron. "The other tap is also marked C."
"Of course," said the manager, "It stands for cold. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city."
熱與冷
蒙特利爾自助餐廳的一位顧客擰開盥洗室的龍頭，結果被水燙傷了。「這太可惡了，」他抱怨道，「標著C的龍頭流出的是開水。」
「可是，先生，C代表Chaude－法語里代表『熱』。如果您居住在蒙特利爾的話就得知道這一點。」
「等等，」那位顧客咆哮一聲，「另外一個龍頭同樣標的是C。」
「當然，」經理說道：「它代表冷。畢竟，蒙特利爾是個雙語城市。」
Imitate Birds
A man tried to get a job in a stage show. "What can you do?" asked the procer.
"Imitate birds," the man said.
"Are you kidding?" answered the procer, "People like that are a dime a dozen."
"Well, I guess that's that." said the actor, as he spread his arms and flew out the window.
模仿鳥兒
一個人想在一個舞台劇中找份工作。「你能幹什麼呢？」負責人問。
「模仿鳥兒，」那人說。
「你在開玩笑吧？」負責人答道，「那樣的人一毛錢可以找一打。」
「噢，那就算了。」那名演員說著，展開翅膀，飛出了窗口。
How Did You Ever Get Here
One winter morning, an employee explained why he had shown up for work 45 minutes late. "It was so slippery out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped back two."
The boss eyed him suspiciously. "Oh, yeah? Then how did you ever get here?"
"I finally gave up," he said, "and started for home."
你是怎樣來的？
一個冬天的早晨，一名雇員解釋他為什麼遲到了四十五分鍾才起來上班。「外面太滑了，我每向前邁一步，就要向後退兩步。」
老闆狐疑地看著他。「噢，是嗎？那你是怎樣到這里來的？」
「後來我決定放棄，」他說，「然後我就往家裡走。」
Keep the Change
Selling secondhand books at our church bazaar, I got into an argument with a prospective customer. He was interested in buying The Pocket Book of Ogden Nash but claimed it was overpriced at 35 cents. Other paperbacks were selling for ten or 15 cents each.
I pointed out that the book was in good condition. Nash was a fun poet, and it was for a good cause. He said it was a matter of principle. Ultimately, I agreed to sell him the book for 15 cents. Triumphant, he paid with a $10 bill. "Keep the change," he said.
零錢不用找了
在教堂的義賣市上賣舊書時，我與一名准備買東西的顧客發生了一場爭論。他對購買袖珍奧金.納什集頗感興趣，但是說它要三十五美分開價過高。其它的平裝書每本才賣十或十五美分。
我指出這本書保存狀況頗好，納什是個有趣的詩人，這個要價是合理的。他說這是個原則問題。最終，我同意以十五美分的價格將這本書賣給他。他得意洋洋，拿出一張十美元的票子付帳。「零錢不用找了。」他說。
Midway Tactics
Three competing store owners rented adjoining shops in a mall. Observers waited for mayhem to ensue.
The retailer on the right put up huge signs saying, "Gigantic Sale!" and "Super Bargains!"
The store on the left raised bigger signs proclaiming, "Prices Slashed!" and "Fantastic Discounts!"
The owner in the middle then prepared a large sign that simply stated, "ENTRANCE".
中間戰術
三個互相爭生意的商店老闆在一條林蔭道上租用了毗鄰的店鋪。旁觀者等著瞧好戲。
右邊的零售商掛起了巨大的招牌，上書：「大減價!」「特便宜!」
左邊的商店掛出了更大的招牌，聲稱：「大砍價!」「大折扣!」
中間的商人隨後准備了一個大招牌，上面只簡單地寫著：「入口處」。
Best Reward
A naval officer fell overboard. He was rescued by a deck hand. The officer asked how he could reward him.
"The best way, sir," said the deck hand, "is to say nothing about it. If the other fellows knew I'd pulled you out, they'd chuck me in."
最好的獎賞
一名海軍軍官從甲板上掉入海中。他被一名甲板水手救起。這位軍官問如何都能酬謝他。
「最好的辦法，長官，」這名水手說，「是別聲張這事。如果其他人知道我救了您，他們會把我扔下去的。」
A Mistake
An Amercian, a Scot and a Canadian were killed in a car accident. They arrived at the gates of heaven, where a flustered St. Peterexplained that there had been a mistake. "Give me $500 each," he said, "and I'll return you to earth as if the whole thing never happened."
"Done!" said the American. Instantly, he found himself standing unhurt near the scene.
"Where are the others?" asked a medic.
"Last I knew," said the American, "the Scot was huggling price, and the Canadian was arguing that his government should pay."
搞錯了
一位美國人，一位英格蘭人和一位加拿大人在一場車禍中喪生。他們到達天堂的門口。在那裡，醉醺醺的聖彼德解釋說是搞錯了。「每人給我五百美元，」他說，「我將把你們送回人間，就象什麼都沒有發生過一樣。」
「成交!」美國人說。立刻，他發現自己毫不損傷地站在現場附近。
「其他人在哪兒？」一名醫生問道。
「我離開之前，」那名美國人說，「我看見英格蘭人正在砍價，而那名加拿大人正在分辯說應該由他的政府來出這筆錢。」
Imitation
A schoolboy went home with a pain in his stomach. "Well, sit down and eat your tea," said his mother. "Your stomach's hurting because it's empty. It'll be all right when you've got something in it."
Shortly afterwards Dad come in from the office, complaining of a headache.
"That's because it's empty," said his bright son. "You'd be all right if you had something in it."
模 仿
一個男孩放學回家時，覺得肚子痛。「來，坐下，吃點點心，」媽媽說，「你肚子痛是因為肚子是空的。吃點東西就會好的。」
一會兒，男孩的爸爸下班回家了，說是頭痛。
「你頭痛是因為你的腦袋是空的，」他那聰明的兒子說，「裡面裝點東西，就會好的。」
Bedtime Prayers
Julie was saying her bedtime prayers. "Please God," she said, "make Naples the capital of Italy. Make Naples the capital of Italy."
Her mother interrupted and said. "Julie, why do you want God to make Naples the capital of Italy?"
And Julie replyed, "Because that's what I put in my geography exam!"
睡前禱告詞
朱莉葉在做睡前禱告。「上帝，求求你，」她說，「讓那不勒斯成為義大利的首都吧。」
媽媽打斷她的話說：「朱莉葉，為什麼求上帝讓那不勒斯成為義大利的首都呢？」
朱莉葉回答道：「因為我在地理考卷上是這樣寫的。」
A Fine Match
One day a lady saw a mouse running across her kitchen floor. She was very afraid of mouse, so she ran out of the house, got into a bus and went to the shops. There she bought a mousetrap. The shopkeeper said to her, "Put some cheese in it and you will soon catch that mouse."
The lady went home with her mousetrap, but when she looked in her cupboard, she could not find any cheese in it. She did not want to go back to the shop, because it was very late, so she cut a picture of some cheese out of a magazine and put that in the trap.
Surprisingly, the picture of the cheese was quite successful! When the lady came down to the kitchen the next morning she found a picture of a mouse in the trap beside the picture of the cheese!
勢均力敵
有一天某位女士看到一隻老鼠在自家的廚房地板上竄過。她很害怕老鼠，所以她沖出屋子，搭上了公共汽車直奔商店。在那兒，她買了一隻老鼠夾。店主告訴她：「放點乳酪在裡面，很快你就會逮住那隻老鼠的。」
這位女士帶著鼠夾回到家裡，但她沒有在碗櫥里找到乳酪。她不想再回到商店裡去，因為已經很晚了。於是，她就從一份雜志中剪下一幅乳酪的圖片放進了夾子。
令人稱奇的是，這畫有乳酪的圖片竟然奏效了!第二天早上，這位女士下樓到廚房時，發現鼠夾里乳酪圖片旁有一張畫有老鼠的圖片!
Class and Ass
Professor Laurie of Glasgow put his notice on his door: "Professor Laurie will not meet his classes today."
A student, after reading the notice, rubbed out the "c".
Later Professor Laurie came along, and entering into the spirit of the joke, rubbed out the "l".
班和笨驢
格拉斯哥的勞里教授在門上貼了這樣一個通知：「勞里教授今天不見他的班級。」
一個學生讀了通知後，擦掉了字母「c」(lass：姑娘)。
後來勞里教授來了，也想開開玩笑，他擦掉了字母「l」(ass：笨驢)。
Ⅲ 3分鍾英語搞笑作文
An Ugly Woman
Mike: My aunt was very embarrassed when she was asked to take off her mask at the party.
Mary: Why was that?
Mike: She wasn't wearing one.
醜女
麥克：一次舞會上，當大家要求我姑姑拿掉她的面具時，她非常尷尬。
瑪麗：版為什麼會那樣呢？權
麥克：她根本就沒有帶面具
求採納
Ⅳ 英語幽默短文 帶圖片
Teacher:Why are you late for school every morning?
Tom:Every time I come to the corner,a sign says,"School-Go slow".
老師:為什麼你每天早晨都遲到?
湯姆:每當我經過學校的拐角處,就看見一個牌子上寫著"學校----慢行".
A Good Boy
Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."
好孩子
小羅伯特向媽媽要兩分錢。
「昨天給你的錢干什麼了？」
「我給了一個可憐的老太婆，」他回答說。 「你真是個好孩子，」媽媽驕傲地說。「再給你兩分錢。可你為什麼對那位老太太那麼感興趣呢？」
「她是個賣糖果的。」
Drunk
One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."
"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"
醉酒
一天，父親與小兒子一道回家。這個孩子正處於那種對什麼事都很感興趣的年齡，老是有提不完的問題。他向父親發問道：「爸爸，『醉』字是什麼意思？」 「唔，孩子，」父親回答說，「你瞧那兒站著兩個警察。如果我把他們看成了四個，那麼我就算醉了。」 「可是，爸爸， 」孩子說，「那兒只有一個警察呀！」
Ⅳ 英語幽默短文 要搞笑的
英語幽默：Second
language
A
mother
mouse
was
out
for
a
stroll
with
her
babies
when
she
spotted
a
cat
crouched
behind
a
bush.
She
watched
the
cat,
and
the
cat
watched
the
mice.
Mother
mouse
barked
fiercely,
"Woof,
woof,
woof!"
The
cat
was
so
terrified
that
it
ran
for
it's
life.
Mother
mouse
turned
to
her
babies
and
said,
"Now,
do
you
understand
the
value
of
a
second
language?"
一隻母老鼠帶著孩子出來散步，突然她看見一隻貓正在灌木叢中虎視耽耽。
母老鼠向著貓叫道：「汪，汪，汪」，貓聽了非常害怕，拚命跑走了。
母老鼠回過頭洋洋自得的對孩子說：「現在你知道外語的重要性了吧。」
Catch
a
cold
得感冒
During
the
fight,
the
boxer
swiped
the
air
furiously,
but
could
not
hit
his
opponent.
"How
am
I
doing?"
he
asked
the
coach
at
the
end
of
the
round.
"Well,
if
you
keep
this
up,"
replied
the
coach,
"he
might
feel
the
wind
and
catch
a
cold."
http://enghumor.anyp.cn/040227092045218.aspx
Ⅵ 英語幽默作文
An
Ugly
Woman
Mike:
My
aunt
was
very
embarrassed
when
she
was
asked
to
take
off
her
mask
at
the
party.
Mary:
Why
was
that?
Mike:
She
wasn't
wearing
one.
醜女
麥克：一次舞抄會上，當大襲家要求我姑姑拿掉她的面具時，她非常尷尬。
瑪麗：為什麼會那樣呢？
麥克：她根本就沒有帶面具
Ⅶ 用英語寫一篇搞笑的作文,600個字
Second language A mother mouse was out for a stroll with her babies when she spotted a cat crouched behind a bush.She watched the cat,and the cat watched the mice.Mother mouse barked fiercely,"Woof,woof,woof!" The cat was so terrified that it ran for it's life.Mother mouse turned to her babies and said,"Now,do you understand the value of a second language?" 一隻來母老鼠帶著孩子出自來散步,突然她看見一隻貓正在灌木叢中虎視耽耽.母老鼠向著貓叫道：「汪,汪,汪」,貓聽了非常害怕,拚命跑走了.母老鼠回過頭洋洋自得的對孩子說：「現在你知道外語的重要性了吧.」
Ⅷ 搞笑的英語短文
英語幽默：Second language
A mother mouse was out for a stroll with her babies when she spotted a cat crouched behind a bush. She watched the cat, and the cat watched the mice.
Mother mouse barked fiercely, "Woof, woof, woof!" The cat was so terrified that it ran for it's life.
Mother mouse turned to her babies and said, "Now, do you understand the value of a second language?"
一隻母老鼠帶著孩子出來散步，突然她看見一隻貓正在灌木叢中虎視耽耽。
母老鼠向著貓叫道：「汪，汪，汪」，貓聽了非常害怕，拚命跑走了。
母老鼠回過頭洋洋自得的對孩子說：「現在你知道外語的重要性了吧。」
Catch a cold 得感冒
During the fight, the boxer swiped the air furiously, but could not hit his opponent.
"How am I doing?" he asked the coach at the end of the round.
"Well, if you keep this up," replied the coach, "he might feel the wind and catch a cold."
http://enghumor.anyp.cn/040227092045218.aspx
參考資料：http://enghumor.anyp.cn/040227092045218.aspx
1,Two birls
Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?
Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.
Teacher: Please tell us.
Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.
兩只鳥
老師： 這兒有兩只鳥，一隻是麻雀。誰能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀嗎？
學生：我指不出，但我知道答案。
老師：請說說看。
學生：燕子旁邊的就是麻雀，麻雀旁邊的就是燕子。
2. The Fish Net
"Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?"
"A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl.
魚網
"你能告訴我魚網是什麼做的嗎，安？" 老師發問道。
"把許多小孔用繩子栓在一起就成了魚網了。" 小女孩回答道。
3. The New Teacher
George comes from school on the first of September.
"George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother.
"I didn\'t like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....."
新老師
9月1日， 喬治放學回到家裡。
"喬治，你喜歡你們的新老師嗎？" 媽媽問。
"媽媽，我不喜歡，因為她說3加3得6, 可後來又說2加4也得6。"
4. A physics Examination
Once in a physics examination, Nick finished the first question very soon, while his classmates were thinking it hard.
The question was: When it thunders why do we see the lighting first, then hear the thunderrolls?
Nick\'s answer: Because our eyes are before ears.
一次物理考試
在一次物理考試時，當同學們都還在苦思冥想時，尼克很快就答好了第一個問題。
這個問題是：為什麼在打雷時，我們總是先看到閃電後聽到雷聲？
尼克的回答是：因為眼睛在前，耳朵在後
5.You looked a lot like my wife
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
6. I Could Use a Little Money
Dear Father,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply don't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.
After receiving his son's letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
7.Two thousand five hundred!"
Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously when the auctioneer suddenly announced, "A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000."
There was a moment's silence, and then from the back of the room came the cry, "Two thousand five hundred!"
8.Is John Listening?
Teacher: John, why aren't you listening?
John: But, teacher, I am listening!
Teacher: If you were listening, tell me what I said.
John: You said, "John, why aren't you listening?"
9. Keys to one Success
One day a father was teaching his son and said, "The keys to your success are keeping your word and cleverness.
Once you promise somebody a promise, you must carry it out on matter what will happen. This is called 'keeping one's word.'
"What is cleverness? asked his son.
"Cleverness is that you'll never make such a promise, " the father answered.
10.I always do
Two motorists stopped head-on on a bridge too narrow for their cars to pass.
"I never back up for an idiot." said one driver angrily.
"I always do." replied the other as he shifted into reverse.
11.He told me to see you
Doctor: And whom did you consult about your illness before you came to me?
Patient: Only the druggist down at the corner.
Doctor: And what sort of ridiculous advice did he gave you?
Patient: He told me to see you!
12.How are you？ 翻譯：怎麼是你呀？
How old are you? 怎麼老是你呀？
13.某人刻苦學習英語，終有小成。
一日上街不慎與一老外相撞，
忙說：I am sorry.
老外應道：I am sorry too.
某人聽後又道：I am sorry three.
老外不解，問：What are you sorry for?
某人無奈，道：I am sorry five.
14.A 747 was halfway across the Atlantic when the captain got on the loud speaker, "Attention, passengers. We have lost one of our engines, but we can certainly reach London with the three we have left. Unfortunately, we will arrive an hour late as a r esult."
Shortly thereafter, the passengers heard the captain's voice again, "Guess what, folks. We just lost our third engine, but please be assured we can fly with only one. We will now arrive in London three hours late."
At this point, one passenger became furious. "For Pete's sake," he shouted, "If we lose another engine, we'll be up here all night!"
只剩一個引擎
一架747客機正在跨越大西洋時，喇叭里傳來了機長的聲音：「旅客們請注意，我們的四個引擎中有一個丟失了。但剩下的三個引擎會把我們帶到倫敦的。只是我們要因此晚到一小時 。」 過了一會兒，旅客們又聽到機長的聲音：「各位，你們猜怎麼啦 ？我們剛又掉了第三個引擎。但請你們相信好了。只有一個引擎我們也能飛，但要晚三個小時了。」 正在這時，一位乘客非常氣憤地說：「看在上帝的份上，如果我們再掉一個引擎，我們就要整夜都要呆在天上了。」
15.
"Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me."
He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants recing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist---the doctor lives downstairs."
醫生住在樓下
「醫生」她沖進屋後大聲說道。
「我想讓你坦率地說我到底得了什麼病。」
他從頭到腳打量打量她，然後大聲說：「太太，我有三件事要對你說。第一，您的體重需要減少大約50磅；第二，如果您要用上十分之一的胭脂和口紅，您的美貌將會改變。第三，我是一位畫家——醫生住在樓下。」
16.One evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping mall.
On my return, I noticed that how sty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I called out."The woman who loves you the most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield."
My husband looked up and said, "Mom's here?"
哪一位女人？
一天晚上我開著丈夫的車去購物，回來後發現車身沾滿灰塵，於是擦洗了一陣。當我終於走進屋裡時大聲喊：「世界上最愛你的女人剛擦洗了你的車燈和擋風玻璃。」
我丈夫抬頭看了看，說：「媽媽來了？」
17.
A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement community. Everybody else is n their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded, they yell,"Get the kid."
忠告「年輕者」
這里想對將要退休者提一點忠告。如果你只有65歲的話，
千萬別進退休社區。因為那裡人人都七八十歲或者八九十歲了。每當要搬東西，抬東西或者裝東西時，他們就叫喊，「讓小的干吧。」
18.
The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."
"Why use my elbow and foot?"
"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?"
吝嗇鬼請客
一個出了名的吝嗇鬼終於決定要請一次客了。他在向一個朋友解釋怎麼找到他家時說：「你上到五樓，找中間那個門，然後用你的胳膊肘按門鈴。門開了之後，再用你的腳把門推開。
「為什麼要用我的肘和腳呢？」
「你的雙手得拿禮物啊。天哪，你總不會空著手來吧？」吝嗇鬼回答。
19.
-- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.
-- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.
-- Well, bring me the winner then.
給我那個打贏的吧
-- 服務員，這個龍蝦只有一隻爪。
-- 對不起，先生，這只肯定打過架了。
-- 哦， 那給我那個打贏的吧。
20.
Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!
Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!
Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.
我的狗不識字
布朗夫人：哦，
親愛的，我把珍愛的小狗給丟了！
史密斯夫人：可是你該在報紙上登廣告啊！
布朗夫人：沒有用的，我的小狗不認識字。」
21.
Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.
At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."
它們是從美國直接帶來的
一位中國老婦人在美國看望女兒回來不久，到一家市銀行存女兒送給她的美元。在銀行櫃台，銀行職員認真檢查了每一張鈔票，看是否有假。
這種做法讓老婦人很不耐煩，最後實在忍耐不住說：「相信我，先生，也請你相信這些鈔票。這都是真正的美元，它們是從美國直接帶來的。」
22.
He is really somebody
-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.
-- He is really somebody. What does he do?
-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.
他真是一個大人物
-- 我叔叔下面有1000個人。
-- 他真是一個大人物。干什麼的?
-- 墓地守墓人。
23.
What's the difference between a monkey and a flea?
A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.
猴子會和跳蚤有什麼不同呢？你可能會直接的想到它們倆是一大一小。但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以長跳蚤，而跳蚤身上卻不能有猴子。這個答案很有意思吧？
Q: How can you most irritate a farmer?
A: By treading on his corn?
如果你踩了農夫的玉米或是穀物，他肯定會生氣的；而如果你踩了農夫腳底的雞眼，他會更生氣。Corn既可以表示「玉米/穀物」，也有「雞眼」的意思。
Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world?
A: The snail. It carries its house on its back.
因為snail（蝸牛）的後背上總是背著一所房子，所以說蝸牛是世界上最強壯的生物是不足為奇的。你說呢？
Q: What do people do in a clock factory?
A: They make faces all day.
一看到make faces這個短語，你可千萬別以為是在鍾表廠工作的人整天都做鬼臉呀！因為除了這個意思以外，它還可以從字面上解釋為製造鍾面。
Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep?
A: Keep him awake.
怎樣才能不讓夢游者（sleepwalker）夢游（walk in his sleep）呢？最簡單的方法就是不讓他睡覺。雖然這不是治療方法，但如果讓夢游者醒著呢，他的確就不會去夢遊了。
24.
One girl went to the preacher and confessed her sin.
Girl: Father, I have sinned.
Preacher: What did you do, little girl¡
Girl: Yesterday, I called a man a son of a Bitch.
Preacher: Why¡ What did he do to you¡
Girl: He touched my breast.
Preacher: You mean like this¡ (The guy did it.)
Girl: (A little shy from the touch) Yes.
Preacher: Thats no reason to call him that.
Girl: But he also took off my cloth.
Preacher: You mean like this¡ (He did it again.)
Girl: Yes, thats what he did.
Preacher: Thats still no reason to call him that.
Girl: And he put his you-know-what into my you-know-what...
Preacher: (evil laugh...) You mean like this¡ (And you-know-what)
Girl: (After a few minutes...) Ugh... Yeah, thats what he did...
Preacher: My dear girl, thats still no reason to call him a...
Girl: But he had AIDS!!
Preacher: THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!
Ⅸ 求一篇搞笑英語作文
An Ugly Woman
Mike: My aunt was very embarrassed when she was asked to take off her mask at the party.
Mary: Why was that?
Mike: She wasn't wearing one.
醜女
麥克：一次舞會上，當大家要求我姑姑拿掉她的面具時，她非常尷尬。
瑪麗：為什麼會那樣呢？
麥克：她根本就沒有帶面具
Ⅹ 寫一篇搞笑英語作文
It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.
"Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled, "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."
"That's mighty nice of you, 「Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw, come on," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host and said, "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish," the neighbor said with a smile, "by the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon."